Hello, pleased to meet you
I'm a 50-year-old DJ spinning turntables
I currently live in the sewers
I never made it past high school
I'm been trying to afford a meal this week
So I can start my investment in cryptocurrency
And then start my illegal narcotics company
Maybe even publish my new LP
It's filled with prayers to President FDR
Maybe his New Deal public works
Will help me afford my dream to drive at NASCAR
My son wants to go to the museum
Where you can see SpongeBob's head in a jar
And smoke a moonshine cigar
The semen is subpar
Adolf Hitler should be run over by a railcar
John Lennon can play the sitar
Aw, play that guitar

Just so you know, I'm only working minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Everybody say UBI, UBI!

It's tomorrow morning, and I'm spinning Sgt. Pepper's on the turntables
Sometimes I never know
Whether or not I'll starve that day
President Roosevelt says "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" but I don't know if I can sympathize when I can barely pay the rent
Nobody seems to pay me a tip
Let alone a wage
I tell ya, some people are only in it for the money
How infuriating, capitalism is

But I'm only working minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Everybody say free healthcare, free healthcare!

"What's that? You say I forgot to mention my son? It must be the drugs I'm taking"!

It's the next day
Now did I mention it's midterms
I can't decide whether to vote for Jimmy Carl Black or Alf Landon after FDR, for ranked choice voting
"Screw it", I say, as I head to the McDonald's instead
The food is so darn cheap that I'm sure at the very least I can afford bread
“I wonder if McDonald's takes food stamps”, I say to myself
Now I'm pulling up in my Tesla in the drive-thru window
When I spot FDR
Or maybe it's Chester Arthur

"Did you order the jumbo-sized fries with a side of cocaine and capitalism"? says whichever president it is
But before I'm able to answer, what sounds like an alternate universe plays right before me. This is what it sounded like:

I jump into a portal, and I am no longer poor
Every beggar should do this
I am now a millionaire

I was working minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Only minimum wage
Yes, but not any more!
Everybody say flat tax rate, flat tax rate!